October 31, 2004
I said all these.
'Life is a big joke. Sometimes, we get the joke.'
'Life is not really about the choices you make. It's about the choices you make after knowing the many choices that you cannot make.'
'The only way to make sure this is The One for you in this lifetime is to die now.'
'If you don't die now, how do you know you won't live to regret this decision?'
xxx
Have it your way. Just leave me alone.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:12
Love & dating...22
After hearing from a few of her guy buddies, Joyce threw out this question: Is it true that women change after they go out to work? Why does it happen and why does a relationship suffer upon a woman entering the workforce?
Mel and I offered some explanation. We all, not just women, go through a big transition going from student to working. When you start working, you are starting to be a greenhorn again, in this big and unsheltered world. People don't usually give second chances, some not even any chance. There is no more majority; if there is, you don't belong to that majority anyway. You are a fresh grad. You are competing and contacting with people from all age groups all at once.
Step out into the work world and what do you see? People who slog at the same position for half a decade, people who climbed up the corporate ladder and is leading a whole department at the age of 26 (3 years after graduation), people who earns 3K within a year of graduation, people who are still hanging around with temp job assignments within that same year of graduation. Bosses who give commands like some military generals but do not know anything about executing their grand ideas. The truth that stares at you is, life can be very, very unfair.
You have seen how money is really not all. But you see too, that money can affect all your future choices. At the same time, doors of options are open like flowers in spring. A crossroad at every 50 steps. Where are you heading?
Back to the question. When a woman enters the workforce and leaves her bf in his final year of study, or when they are both just starting out together, one choice can make all the difference. How do you explain to your still studying bf that you love him but at the same time, know that your priorities in a partner has shifted? How would he accept that? It does take a lot more trust and patience than when you were both students.
Relationships strain and eventually sour when both parties either do not grow or do not grow in the same direction together. With all these new options and new crossroads, how do we make sure that our partner and ourselves choose the same roads or at least, roads that will converge at some time?
I don't want to stay at this crossroad but I don't want to leave you alone too.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:05
From the papers...20
MOM is the first to introduce a 4 days work week here in Singapore. 4 days work week! How lovely! Work 4 days, rest 3 days. Ahh, life in balance!
Now, here's the catch. MOM employees work the same number of hours as other civil servants. 42 hours per week. In 4 days. The spokesperson explained that an employee can choose to rest on any particular day of the week. The 4 days work week is effective as long as you clock 42 hours in a week.So, it's like 10.5 hours a day. Meaning, if you start work at 8.30am, you knock off at 7pm, too early for supper, too late for dinner. That kinda weird time.
So, maybe you choose to work Monday through Thursday.Friday, you start your now-weekly long weekend. The damn mobile rings. It's just your colleague who chose to work on Friday (cos she hates shopping on Friday evenings) and rest on Monday (the end of Monday blues). So, you gotta sorta 'work' whenever and wherever you are cos your organisation reminds you that you are part of the organisation, rest day or not. Besides, surely, you cannot leave your colleague in the lurch! Otherwise, guess who will be the one to clear the shithole if things don't get done on time (on whose time, anyway)?
Finally Saturday is here. Glorious weekend. Look up the office building opposite the cafe in which you are sipping your iced mocha. Some people do enjoy working on Saturdays. It's quieter, basically. As you dig into your raspberry cheesecake, the damn mobile rings and the ringtone tells you that it's your boss (who works 8 days week, if possible). Weekly dilemma: to answer or not? If not, what excuse can you give?
Sunday. Agonizing evenings. Welcome Monday blues.
Of course, it's not going to be like what I painted. Because ultimately, we are suckers. The more we are told we don't have to work, the longer we will work. I just came across this term 'Office country club culture'. It means... we are so used to spending so much time at work (unproductively) that we are treating it as if it's the only place to socialise (i.e. gossip), have parties (at the pantry), and have entertainment (gossip, parties and surfing net). Some of us are actually afraid to leave the office on time. The office that has become a country club.
Never mind how many work day week. This is really about efficiency and productivity.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:01
Few romance stories and many crude jokes
Met Mel and Joycey for lunch, and then, progressed to dinner and coffee after that. A half day spent with my 2 dear friends from my last workplace made a very very lovely Saturday.
The chronicles of SH( ) - always exciting, always dramatic, always amusing, always unbelievable. Frankly, it's one of the things I miss and will be missing when even Mel leaves the Titanic shithole in Dec. How often do you get to work under bosses who appear on the front page of HK tabloid magazines? How often do you get to be the one claiming for all sorts of receipts from Pois, Calvin Klein (that one spoilt my appetite, really, Mel, you idiot!), Tiananmen Nightclub, etc, on behalf of your bosses? And porn-sharing in the office? Something new every once in awhile.
Potential traitor but a would-be-outstanding flight stewardess - If only she believes in herself as much as we believe in her. The JAL experience would give her lots to learn from. When she gets to fly international routes, I hope she won't start her chronicles of how to tell the difference between shit of a China men and French men. Good luck for Saturday, Mel! Persevere and I keep my word that I absolutely think you can make it!
Physically active but economically inactive - She claimed she keeps getting into shitholes of disorganised organizations. Maybe shitholes are where you can find good friends even at work. Funny thing is everytime we meet, she seems to have to assume this double role as Aunt Agony for her dumped friends. Maybe she can try her ears at counselling jobs or her hands at OBS. I think she will excel in both. Meanwhile, stop blowing your nose so hard and enjoy the lobo-ness, Joycey!
A bit angmoh, a bit skeptical and quite bold - The depressed aura gets to her every once in awhile. Time has been passing extremely fast for her as she switches between work and tuition. Not optimistic, just realistic. Not negative just a bit skeptical. Not bold, just not enough time to waste on guessing games. Maybe I will get Joe out soon and ask what exactly happened after we kissed that night, just to see him blush.
Christmas presents, anyone?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:56
October 27, 2004
Crawl above, climb under.
Thank you FVB dearest for the letter. Got it couple days back. Told you, you shouldn't have mentioned Des. Get over him! And don't remind me to do the same.
I promise I will choose a time to spoil your surprise.
xxx
Dak puasa, dak boleh raya.
Went to Geylang Serai just now with Ma and Jas. Damn big sia, the whole festival bazaar. Jas being Jas, started to complain after walking for an hour (even though she was the one who suggested we go jalan-jalan).
I like the feeling, as if I am in Malaysia. The burgers and the kebabs smell. I left with smelly hair and sticky skin.
Noticed there were a lot of foreigners (expat stall-holders?!) and Chinese selling their craft there. There was a stretch which made me feel like I'm in Thailand, instead of Malay village. It's much more crowded and interesting this year. I saw this stall selling Persian styled lamps. It's lovely!
xxx
As soon as the sheets crease.
I need to sleep. Very tired. Why is it that work doesn't seem to be completed-able?
See, I've a photo slide show presentation to do up (involves browsing thru 5 CDs of photos taken from various school events, selecting and cropping the ones that I want, putting them into powerpoint, touching up and making it into a presentation to be played during opening day), preparation for a puppet show for opening day (involves preparing, cutting materials, doing a sample puppet), touching up the computer club project (lotsa synchronizing of all the slides done by students). I also need to type some notes and format for my POA tuition students and look through some everyday English usage for another student.
Am I whining? Of course I am! It's one of the reasons why I'm keeping a blog.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:23
October 24, 2004
I sold my intellect for an Oreo smoothie.
We heard something about how experiments were carried out on rats, how they literally flipped and died. We heard how to segregate the male flies from the female flies. I think it's damn pervert.
We talked a tad about the lack of justification for the govt to prohibit muslims wearing tudungs in government schools. Selling sameness and harmony by concealing differences just do not work. Respect. That's what sorely lacking now, isn't it?
They talked about politics, mainly the US presidential election. I was reading Weekend Today. We agreed politics is damn entertaining, and a total waste of time and money.
We talked a bit about the press and the role of the media. A wee wee bit only. Cos then, he started to realise he already fell prey to the agenda of seemingly-boliao editors.
I maintain that it's not the woman's fault that men cannot control their own desire, no matter how innate, although I know where you are coming from.
I could have gone on. But I slept at 5am the day before, and used up a substantial amount of intellect then. Mostly, he's just soooo not motivating. hehe.. Actually, realised we are converging a lot. No arguments, no substantial fuel to keep it going. Didn't help we were all bit stoned.
I'd try to do better the next debate. Fix it after Hari Raya holiday. My semester break!!! yay!
xxx
Meanwhile, I'm soooo looking forward to meeting Joycey and Mel this Sat! We've got so much to catch up on.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:32
October 23, 2004
2 months more to the end of this lap
There can be nothing more cliche and yet genuinely sentimental than saying 'Time flies.'
Finally, after a series of unusual weather throughout this year, and frustratingly humid and sunny weather in the past weeks, it seems like the monsoon rain has arrived. Just like Christmas will be here in 2 months time.
Being a September baby, I have always felt my birthday to be both the end and the beginning of anticipation. The end of birthday wishes that didn't come true, the end of resolutions forgotten 3 days after they were made and the end of birth year. September is, however, a prelude to the last quarter of the year - the quarter when Christmas is, when year-end bonus are given out, and even more anticipation can end.
The weather changes while accountants slogged on to do their year-end closing figures and teachers get equally stressed about exams as their students. Cool, chilly, wet weather. Reading on bed with the windows open, listening to some blues music or just the romantic chatter of the rain, the things that come together to inform that I'm going to get past yet another year. Making mental notes to start getting materials to make Christmas cards, Thank you cards and getting little gifts. Say 'sorry' for the hurt, the neglect; 'thank you' for the tolerance and support.
This is a romantic time of every year. Let's cuddle up and share some warmth.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:58
Tell us another story
A Friday. We met at 11pm, Somerset. Rain was only decelerating, but unwilling to cease. What was I doing on a cool, romantic night in the company of 2 lovely ladies and a 'transformed' man, at a time when I needed sleep rather than coffee?
We called for the bill at 4am.
Define pessimism. Define success. What's in a dream plan? Why do we need to work? Are we programmed to just flow along in the flow? Capitalist bosses, aka arseholes. How about buying another person's time so that you can play golf in your time? Marriage. All sorts of reason, all the strange reasons. Matter of convenience. Like the comfort zone that many of us have difficulty in abandoning. Commitment, in what you do, towards the people who share the same goals, towards each other. Belief. Health. Going very far, taking it even further.
The story of the Singapore customs officers who had to meet their quota. The story of the new girlfriend. The story of the bulldog in the desert. The many case studies of an international company. Honeymoon in Rome.
You both have come so far, but what's that far to the rest of the journey? Your commitment and love inspire me.
The next thing you know, I'm getting married by end of year too. The black horse.
Just kiddin!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:27
October 18, 2004
3 quarter circle
I expected a sms this morning. In fact, it was the first beep that I was looking forward to after the alarm clock in my handphone went off at 0610h. Beep, it did. Slightly past 7am.
Apple, Kyn, Wenn and me. 4 of us. 4 very different personalities. Fierce vs mild-tempered; Aggressive vs accomodating; Creative vs practical... you get the idea. But, we fit in nicely in this circle of giving and taking amongst friends. That goes to show at least one thing - we are very tolerant people.
Wenn beeped me when she got back from her Beijing trip this morning. If not for my getting-out-of-hand tuition sessions, I would have been able to meet her in 2 hours time for some tea.
I guess, you don't really feel it when someone close to you is away, especially when you have work to keep you occupied, very occupied. But, when you know she's coming back, it's the anticipation of having her back on this very same part of the world that keeps you spirited. And, only when she's back do you realise how much difference it makes. I had the exact same feeling when Kyn came back for a visit 3 months ago. It feels like... well, more complete.
Hence, while I keep telling Apple that her dream of living in Aust is realisable and she should work hard towards it, I know that it will be different without her aggressive, fierce presense around, and of course, the very entertaining gossip she is so capable of regurgitating time and again, AND the fervour she tells it with even if it's for the 4th time.
But, that will be in a couple more years' time. Meanwhile, I'm really happy to have Wenn back and I can't wait for Kyn to get her stream-lined body and stylishly-messy hair back for Chinese New Year. That 1 quarter of the circle.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:33
Sneak Preview
In school, at work, just came back from lunch. Here I am, in the computer lab, using one of the many computers here, totally away from the rest of the staff. Each staff has an assigned computer in the Staff room. But, mine is being used by another staff who shares the same computer. And, I really dislike working in the staff Room. Strange that when we were schooling, we always found it fascinating and exciting to be in the staff room. But, now that I am one of those who hold access cards to the staff room, I try not to go in as much as possible. Anyway, that's how I came to be doing something so personal here, blogging away at my own time, own target. Wonder why no other teachers thought of using the computers in the lab instead of waiting for their turn in the staff room. Better I thought of it than them. heh
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:10
October 17, 2004
Simple Czech warmth
Caught a film featured in the European film fest today. Titled 'Autumn Spring'. About how a 76 year old man refused to acknowledge that his time on earth may be up anytime soon. Unlike his wife who worried and prepared for their deaths (deciding on the death announcement font and scrubbing the grave that their son got for them as a bday present), Fanda had his own fun taking up roles of different people, doing (in his wife's opinion) silly and crazy things.
I enjoyed the film. It was funny. It was simple. And warm. The old gentleman who played Fanda had a delightful resemblance to Prof Chua. I found that quite funny. hehe
xxx
Welcome back to the 'surreal' world (quoted from you), Love! You've been missed.
I want to know all about your mysterious encounters in Beijing! And, of course, the bitching.
xxx
Cafe Cartel sounds ok. If that's set, I'd prefer we just grow roots there instead of heading to Starbucks for coffee. Then again, it may be a bit too noisy to embark on our GID there. Well, I suggest The Esplanade, just sitting by the river with Twisties and Pokka Green tea.
Let's talk about marriage and Death amongst others!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:47
CONGRATULATIONS BP!
Wenping dropped the bombshell. He's getting married end of this month. The solemnisation is end of the month, will be at Sentosa. Apple, Evelyn and me, we are all NOT invited. hee... No ceremony, no wedding dinner. Just 'I do', and hi-tea for relatives. Simple, down to earth, but still romantic (as long as he manages to strum the guitar and sing to right tune).
He dropped another canonball. His wife and him are going Switzerland for their honeymoon.
Maybe I should have stuck to doing Accountancy in Uni. Oh, too late!
xxx
Too many rights can still make a wrong
He mentioned 'the feeling is right'. Hence, they decided to get married.
I no longer know, neither believe in this thing they call 'the right feeling' or 'the right person'. What do you mean by 'right'? To what extent can I rely on the 'right' feeling to remain right? And the 'right' person to remain right?
I always felt right and I always believed it would be right. But, it turned out to be wrong. I think it's just not the 'right' time.
Maybe it's really about the 'right' time and the 'right' mentality. Maybe, there will never be a right time. Then, what do we have left?
There is no right or wrong to begin with. The moment comes, it will pass. Everything will seem right when you indulge in the moment and let it go when it has to pass. There are only that much disappointments one can take.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:20
Revived!
CLICK
HERE. New video! Trailer! Just what I need to perk up the rest of this year! Cheers, fellow fans, hobbits and elves!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:15
October 16, 2004
Do not disappoint them anymore
You know the thing about MOE's new direction in the teaching of chinese language? The new syllabus and the new emphasis in reading and recognising and not so much writing. The one saying that in order to teach the language, the textbook has to contain passages and words that students can identify with in their daily life, not fancy-beautiful-prose words.
I absolutely regret that they realise this only now.
I had tuition earlier this evening. My boy hates writing. He is not motivated to write. However, when it comes to reading, he enjoys it and he can read relatively well. He practically turned a deaf ear to me when I asked him to write.
I wanted to tell him,' you are born 4 years too early.' He does not have a choice. Right now, the expectation is still writing prior to reading. That's why oral exam only takes up 20% of the final grade.
Another thing that I was thinking while showering just now. Why don't we adapt the traditional chinese characters into the syllabus? Chinese language is actually one of the few existing languages in the world that balances the use of both the right and left hemisphere of the brain. And it's an iconic language. Hence, children have reasons to find the language easy because it's akin to drawings. The problem is, the evolution of the language is such that the simplified characters we are using now is so not iconic. Some, sadly, feels more functional than symbolic. the traditional characters, on the other hand, are lovely classics.
In fact, from my experience with my tutees, the characters that require complicated strokes are the ones they remember the best. The ones with many complicated strokes are the ones that look most like art pieces by themselves.
Think about it. No harm. At the end of the day, they still learn how to use the language. We may even have more keen calligraphers who can revive the dying trade of writing couplets at Chinatown before CNY.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:28
October 14, 2004
Deep Purple Love
Above was my nick in MSN few days ago. D thought I knew the band. What band? =P I was just in a slightly romantic and cranky mood. The nick sounds like really kewl, doesn't it?
Anyway, Bblics has been away in Beijing since last Friday. A business 'out-station' that she tried very hard to avoid. Sure doesn't sound exciting having your boss as the first and last person you see in the morning and at night. Same hotel room, same sink, same bathtub... eeks!
But, hell! She sounds like she's enjoying it in some ironic ways. If I got it wrong, don't blame me. The smses she sent were like opening a book only to find that the last page is page 3 of chapter 1. Mention of hunks and super good looking and charismatic international clients. With ring on their 4th finger. Superb weather. Mention of something happened today that had a great impact on her but she didn't have time to tell me. I hope she didn't see Leon Lai in person. Can't be THAT lucky, right?
Miss her whining though. haha... There has not been any 2 consecutive weekends without her availability in the same scrawny island. And, come to think of it, it feels a bit strange receiving her smses but knowing she's x flight-hours away.
xxx
Snow> You must be feeling better now that you can run and having off days! What's wrong with you, s.honey? Been falling sick pretty oft eh? I think you need to put the twisties and Hoegaarden back in your life... 23rd, meeting around 8pm. Will keep you in the loop. Actually, why don't YOU decide the place to eat? Welcome your friend by letting him decide. You keep me in the loop. heh.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:47
Can I have the Barbie doll set for X'mas?
One new student in my class. Came on Wednesday. Just when I was feeling more or less settled (and less stressed) with my existing 2. I'm on the theme of 'Animals in the zoo' for these 3 weeks. So, if you have any interesting activity (or worksheet) ideas that I can use in class, email me. Otherwise, I'm just generating from my own whatever-is-left imagination and whatever-there-is-to-begin-with creativity.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:40
October 11, 2004
Burp my wits out
I'm feeling bloated. I know why I'm feeling this way. Monthly blues. Then, the easily tiredness, then the thirsty throat. So predictable.
Does that justify my howling and whining for the past week? How about my craving for some very harmful food like curry puffs, fried anything and a pack of Twisties a day? No, no... Harmful... Vocal cords must always be well taken care of. Cos, know what? I haven't got round to doing my detailed lesson plans yet! haha My level head must not know that, and as long as I don't call in sick, she shall never have the need to look at my lesson plans. Muahaha~~~
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:05
October 08, 2004
From the papers...19
Responding to Edu. Minister's initiative for secondary schools to have more choices of examination subjects, some schools are looking at Economics, Computer studies, Drama and even Sociology as possibilities.
Sociology? At the secondary school level? Why get them disillusioned at such an early stage? Then again, not everyone who went through the toils of Sociology readings came out disillusioned and pained. There are happy sociologists.
xxx
How could any parent be able to come to terms with his/her own premature baby being let off life support? What does it mean when doctors deem an infant's future life to be of terrible quality? What meaning is there when you see your baby gasping for breath in a plastic box, wrapped like a mummy in a temperature that is fit for beach bikini? I just finished reading 'The Family Way' by Tony Parsons. Got some imagined insights on this whole idea of having a baby.
xxx
Why would anyone have the heart to throw a child down from an almost fatal height?
xxx
I don't know who were their respondents but I definitely do not belong to the 76% who felt insecure without handphones. Maybe for that 2 minutes between the time I realised I left it out from my very disorganised bag to the time I decided the probability of me missing an all important call is ultimately low anyway! And if I need to call, there are the public phones, ya? I'm the kind I still have a phonecard in my wallet even though I joined the 98% who owns a mobile. I do not need my handphone as an emergency address book too, since I remember the telly numbers of all my family members (and some close relatives) and frequently-called friends, or a key friend who will then know the numbers of many other friends.
Forgot handphone? 'Oh, shit!' 2 minutes. 'What the heck!' Then on, it's a taste of the good old carefree days!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:24
October 04, 2004
Know it. Despise it. Accept it.
Newspaper Today. Article in 'Plus' section. What to do with capitalism. Short article. Worth a read if you already did the above.
Let it go.
'World on fire' - Sarah McLachlan
Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in this story's pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I'll try to hold it in, yeah I'll try to hold it in
The world's on fire and It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water (Try and bring my share) I try to bring more
More than I can handle (Bring it to the table) Bring what I am able
I watch the heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change what's coming
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone
Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there's talk of Saving souls,
still the coldIs closing in on us
We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:15
Lightly sleeping
I think I may have a new problem. I am sleeping too lightly these 2 days. It doesn't make sense to me because I am really tired by the time my heavy head hits the pillow. But, I toss and I turn, I'm not really insomniac, but I know that I am not sleeping well.
The feeling is... I know I'm asleep and resting but there is a part of my conscious state that still feels very much awake. Example, I can know that the radio's too loud. At some point, I can even follow a song through (radio stations playing rock music at 3am... what were they thinking of?). I'm even thinking of the next day what I have to do.
My eyes feel dry and tired. But, I can't really get to restful sleep. And I wake up in the mornings feeling very alert.
Life can't get any better.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:46
October 03, 2004
She's kind, she's intelligent, she's sexy. She doesn't know she's all that.
I still cannot fathom why would the little girl sitting in the table opposite wink at Snow thrice yesterday while we were trying to have a conversation about a huge boo-boo of one of Annie's colleagues. Maybe she didn't know ugliness. Or she is a very compassionate little girl.
So, s.h (yay~ new nic!), it's 23rd eh! What kind of a friend are you to bring along another mate to sit in at our verbal diarrhoea? Don't allow me the pleasure of intimidating yet another, please.
xxx
The Terminal
Watched the show with Liwei yesterday. It was a bit draggy and exaggerated and forced towards the end. But, I enjoyed a large part of it. Catherine Zeta Jones looks great in her role, refreshingly shorter hair. Felt Tom Hanks didn't have a breakthrough in this role, but that makes the acting good enough.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:27
October 02, 2004
Reconsider
Was in the organising committee for Children's Day celebration in my school. Was only 2 other colleagues and me. Was the first Children's Day celebration in our school. Was a big thing. Was fucking tired. Was fucking unpredictable. Was real irritable. Am glad it's over. Am still fucking irritable. Don't tell me to celebrate the child in me. There is no child. Only the image of a jaded girl caught in between dreams and reality.
xxx
2 bloody months' notice
It's a new month - October. Means, I might have a few evenings still free this month, maybe few more for next month... but to be safe, if you want my crap or to test my patience, book me for December.
I know you probably can't get round to reading this lovely blog haven of mine. But, nonetheless, I just wanna say... even if I've nothing on every Saturday, meaning no appointments, I would much much rather just rot at home than to have lunch and do small talk with you. We have nothing to talk about. I no longer believe in what you are still expecting or hoping that I'd do. And I'm not going to do things that I do not believe in. That much, I know. Thanks, Erywen.
xxx
Fill me up
Just told Mel this: Sometimes, you don't want something to be over, cos you have got nothing to replace it.
But, you have nothing in the first place. Can't you see that?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:11